First trip to the continent after 2 years, our Corona

In January 2022 we set foot on the “mainland” again for the first time (for me in exactly 2 years, for Jan it has been 2,5 years), venturing out of the Azores (I instinctively left Germany and set off for my new world exactly three months before the world collapsed and built a solid life here). I have to say that at the end of 2019 I literally arrived in the Azores with a crash landing, my system completely shut down after all the years of struggling (actually since high school! Then art school with illustration studies for a diploma, biology studies for a master’s degree, on the side building up several small self-employments and my own health, my body and mind) I finally arrived at my lifelong dream place, a house with a garden, and exactly THE house, which was the first thing I saw of Graciosa and which was love at first sight.

In February 2020 I was in Germany for the last time, visiting my family and friends, yes and then the world changed… I didn’t lose a single person to Corona, not even across several corners and I didn’t experience any bad cases and don’t know anyone who did lose relatives, but even though I was secluded on my small island, where life was still completely normal, except for the masks and the occasional requirement to be tested after traveling to the larger islands, I was severely traumatized several times by the measures that, in my opinion, were more typical of wartime fair and have nothing to do with science, and certainly nothing to do with the well-being of people. Once again it touched on my old injuries and severe disappointments with the medical system, which I had actually already done a lot of internal healing work on, but still, I don´t see myself approaching this system anew anytime in my future.

My corona traumas

I had already mentionend, how my husband was no longer able to travel to see me for 4 months in the spring of 2020, while I was sitting here, scared and overwhelmed, in a dilapidated house in a foreign country, which was a chain of events brought about (and a unchaining) that ultimately ended in our divorce after 14 years of relationship and Jan and me getting together.

At the end of 2020, Jan had a terrible accident, was locked away in the hospital on Terceira for almost a month, with security staff in front of the elevator and everything and constant, absolute uncertainty. At the same time, my dad suffered a stroke in Germany at the age of 70 due to a failed brain operation and was ultimately put in quarantine and solitary confinement in a nursing home for months, and my mom was only allowed to see him again after his death. I couldn’t even travel to his funeral or see my family because the borders with Portugal were closed at that time.

The day after my dad’s death, I failed to show up for a corona test because I wasn’t mentally capable of it, with terrible police threats over the phone, which finished me off. I refused any further testing from there on (only one in my opinion forced test right after birth, with my newborn on my lap in the emergency).

I can’t say it other than that I was done with the world. In my little bubble here I was functioning at full speed, but several attempts to travel back to Germany ended in such a state of freeze response, shock paralysis, and a state of extreme nervous system stress that not even my internet or my credit card wanted to work when I was trying to buy a plane ticket. I had completely lost faith in the world and our system on an existential level.

I finally followed the approach I had been using to heal my body and expand my diet since my health crash 7 years ago. The balance between going inwards, focusing fully on myself and my regeneration, self-discovery and reconstruction, swinging in tandem with re-exposing myself to the things that seem difficult, destructive, toxic or impossible in a smart and well-prepared way, so, that it ultimately makes me stronger and allows me to grow. Because I don’t want to live a life of fear and limitation, but rather one of abundance, be it at the dinner table or while traveling.

Fate had already sent us the accident and the helicopter flight at the end of 2020 to tear me out of my bubble and open my eyes to the wider world again. I can’t see it any other way, because I have also been incredibly blessed during this time and been reminded of parts of myself that I had lost. Even in the worst situations I can always see that it is happening FOR me, a wake-up call from God, the universe. As was the case with my severe illness many years ago.

So I coached myself. In 2021, I set myself tasks to overcome my travel corona trauma (the fear of being held captive somewhere and no longer being able to return to my home or being separated from my loved one). I booked several flights that year for us, first to the Terceira for 3 days, then to a more distant island for a few days longer, Flores. Or just looked at trips to Germany on airline sites, brought it back to my reality.

I allowed myself all the feelings that arose, while at the same time being grounded and safe. At the end of the year, I didn’t change my flight when Jan’s last operation on his leg was postponed by half a week, but instead flew ahead alone (wow, that was hard for me! How could I have been able to go to the USA alone in my previous life? Finland, Egypt, Ireland, etc… (which I had worked hard for and were always big steps with my anxiety and difficult to organize with a highly sensitive body)? But it’s also simply the case that I hardly felt rooted in the past and now for the first time I have the feeling of a home and something worth living for). I also remember how, when Jan came after me, we entered the hospital for his last operation and I was allowed to accompany him to his room in the hospital like it was the most normal thing in the world, I experienced a strong physical discharge, neurogenic trembling, tears, and heavy breathing almost like that a panic attack. But here too, the fears did not go away completely until he was released without incident after two days.

At the beginning of 2022 I could let him fly over alone for the first time, for the final examination.

Back to the mainland

Well, in mid-January Jan had his final seminar as a Wim Hof ​​Method Instructor in Poland on the Czech border, for which he had been cramming diligently. I was in a quandary. Letting him travel so far alone and just sitting in our Quinta and waiting for him sent me into a state of uncontrollable panic, as did traveling so far myself, and there were major logistical hurdles due to the organization of the seminar week.

In addition, there was another major disturbance on the part of our neighbors in January for some finishing work on their property, which we had already endured for exactly 12 months and which left us mentally and nervously exhausted. After their pompous housewarming party in mid-December, I had an extreme crash, severe exhaustion, mentally unstable and pain all over my body, especially my bladder and my entire abdomen, which was rock hard. Beautifully classic New Germanic Medicine, too intense crossing of territorial boundaries, conflict finally resolved. Jan absolutely couldn’t tackle me anymore. The hot springs of Sao Miguel and just lots of rest and patience slowly helped.

Plus my immense longing for my family, especially my mom. I felt lonely and abandoned during my pregnancy and needed soft, feminine support from the bottom of my heart. Fly to Germany while Jan was in Poland? In the end it was too much for me, and so with the last of my mental strength I managed to organize that my mom and I met in Lisbon and then drove from there to green Colares for a few quiet days, because she was also having a hard time behind her since my dad died.

In January I was only functional in a basic way, Jan still bravely stood his ground and took care of everything, like a superman, handling unexpected renovation work and small disasters on the house, yard, boat and with the animals, really until the last minute before departure Full moon day (sailboat Henrietta was losing her anchoring an hour before Jan´s due Corona test in the hospital, two and a half hours before our departure!).

A corona test wasn’t necessary for me (which is one reason why I only wanted to go to Portugal, because I still have problems with that, it probably has something to do with my childhood trauma, and simply experienced too much with unpleasant medical interventions on my body due to my lifelong illness). Jan is also quite angry about this heteronomy and how money is being taken out of people’s pockets through scaremongering and baseless regulations. It’s interesting how the topic of border crossings comes up again here, which I come across again and again among those affected by diseases of the barrier tissue (like the skin, the gut and the blood brain barrier), which also include Corona and the respiratory tract.

The night before we left I had severe panic attacks and just tried to accept it as best I could and work with myself. Jan was also sleepless and exhausted, organizing flights, tests and all the additional little things previously been extremely nerve-wracking. On the flight to Lisbon I just cried for hours, while Jan had extremely bad cold symptoms and his nose was just running. We both really weren’t doing well. I also came down with a cold. We both hadn’t had an infection for over 3 years thanks to a healthy lifestyle (which I had on a regular basis in earlier times, Jan most recently after his emigration and arrival on Graciosa a year before me), but now it was too much for our bodies.

With tense nerves, we waited until 1 a.m. at the Airbnb in Lisbon for his negative test result so that he could continue traveling and take part in the seminar until we could fall asleep. However, Jan had to leave again at 4 a.m. for the onward flight. I’m telling you, our nerves…

He spent the next day alone in Prague, I in Lisbon, both very exhausted and calm.

One day later and I was able to hug my mom again after 2 years. It was like it was yesterday, an instant connection and such happiness. Jan also reached Poland safely.

Jan had to take an official antigen test and a self-test every day in the seminar, everything was negative, but his cold remained. But the enthusiasm of the group gave him wings, and so he achieved peak performance, completed his theoretical exams, and the required hikes in shorts and barefoot training in the snow, several long stays in an ice river, sometimes at 6 a.m., lasting up to 15 minutes.

Reunited after 2 years

My mom and I took it easy, cozy and feminine, walks, market, cafes, restaurants, a cute CBD and gemstone shop, cooking, fireplace, card games, sunbathing, conversations, catching up on the past, napping if necessary. She also had some cold symptoms and we spent one day entirely in the holiday home. I spent the afternoon lying flat with severe body aches and a feeling of fever. It was as if my body wanted to detoxify on different levels. So one morning I was hanging over the toilet bowl, for the first time in my pregnancy (except when sailing), I had a violent crying attack and in the end I had to deal with severe diarrhea, even though we ate very healthily. With Healer Micky (massage, foot reflex and Reiki) on the last day I had such a strong nerve discharge on my left foot and then emotionally (I said to her afterwards: “I don’t know what it was, but you definitely found it”), that first her cat insisted on lying with me until the end and then at the climax her internet and music stalled. After the treatment I felt as if a boulder had been removed from my soul and body. I looked at myself in the mirror afterwards and only felt happiness and joy of life.

In general, a lot of hardness left my body and soul during the time with my mom (and all the other great women, our old British landlady, our great taxi driver,…), I noticed how much I had been through all the blows of fate, through the construction site of our neighbors and the overload of too much (immature, unconscious) masculine energy, plus my own strong masculine drive to prove to myself that I am a strong woman and can do anything, independence and building a farm in a foreign country, contrary to that some critical voices had brought such harshness into my system, while at the same time I had cut myself off from what had previously nourished me. But I also needed this time to find myself and my strength and independence. But being able to feel some old and tender parts of myself again with my mom and integrating them into my being was so healing. I can grow without cutting myself off from something that nourishes me. I can be in contact without losing myself again. So many fears and illusions can be overcome, I myself become bigger and simply take everything in without it tearing me apart.

Jan also experienced so many touching things on his side, so much opening of the heart, very open new contacts and wonderful people, a closeness and trust and cohesion in this group that one could hardly have dared to hope for in these times. There, too, there were many discharges from the nervous systems, and also many liberating tears, through the body work and the support of the group.

The plan was that Jan would come back the day after my mom’s flight and we would go to the south of Portugal together, where he had stayed for a few months on his sailing boat from Finland to the Azores over four years ago and made many friends.

Collapse at the airport

On the morning of our departure to the airport I was already feeling extremely emotional and when the very motherly taxi driver (who had given me such great support as a pregnant woman, negotiated with the police at a roadblock, for example, that she could give us a ride through that road so that I, as a pregnant woman, didn’t have to walk up the steep mountain; here in Portugal they are extremely accommodating and also love children) said goodbye with very sensitive words, a dam broke for me and I just cried. Concentrated then on that the suitcase was dropped off for my mom.

And suddenly just: “Mom, I’m having a panic attack.” I could only hyperventilate, shaking all over, dissociating more and more while my mom held me in her arms. There wasn’t much going on at the airport, but little by little a few flight assistants came over and I was allowed to sit on the conveyor belt and take off my mask. A lady gently brushed my hair away from my face and spoke to me in a friendly and firm manner. I heard that they called the emergency and were concerned because I was pregnant. I was just cold, I couldn’t stop shaking, and finally I burst into bitter tears. I just didn’t care anymore.

I used to be extremely ashamed of crying and had to work hard to be able to cry with other people again in a liberating way and to let myself be witnessed and loved in my pain, because as a child I was shamed, criticized and even beaten by my father for my tears , who couldn’t deal with emotions, which (among other things) had bred the freeze and fawn response in me as a default emergency mechanism.

I feel like a lot of my nervous system has been shaken and cried out. There it was on the surface, the actual great trauma that had caused me to fall into an abysmal hole with the start of Corona measures. Yes, I don’t know anyone who hasn’t been triggered by some deep childhood fears, albeit highly individually, at that time. My own story is that when I was very young my mom had to go to a cure because she was completely burnt out, we were left with 5 children alone with our callous, choleric and narcissistic father, who was himself severely traumatized, but who was highly functional and held a leading position and was very respected on the outside. Shortly before the end of the cure, my mother suffered a relapse and had to extend the treatment. Several times. Just didn’t come back home.

I think I sensed it back then, even though I had only found out from her not long ago, that she actually wanted to finally get serious and separate, that the decision was made while working with a psychologist, but she never pulled it through. The fact that my mom (also very traumatized) was always a bit on the verge of escaping from marriage or even life was certainly also the reason for my “congenital anxiety disorder,” which I expressed in my body. Why I couldn’t go to kindergarten until I was over 4 years old and leave my mom’s side. Why I had the feeling all my life that I had to take care of her, protect her, and organize my life in such a way that I always put my own needs aside.

My system now threw all of this out in a big way with vagal (neurogenic) tremors. It was time. I don’t see it negatively, no, as a gift and an opportunity for liberation, even if it was the most violent panic attack and meltdown I had probably ever experienced. I was driven through the airport in a wheelchair and checked, my cardiovascular system was fine (interesting was that my blood sugar was completely low, even though I had eaten a really hearty breakfast just an hour and a half before. Similar to waking up at night from nightmares or with fears or swirling worries, which is sometimes accompanied by hunger. An activation of the limbic system, the fear center, with simultaneously reduced control of the prefrontal cortex (which is the first to fail when the energy goes down, unfortunately, our reason and filter center. And such trauma in action is simply hard work, many experience low blood sugar even after a psychological, bodywork or coaching session).

I just allowed my body to shake out, didn’t try to act brave, I really wanted to get through this, I dared myself. Was vulnerable. No false bravery and willpower now. Truly, a completely new experience. So I sat there like a pregnant fairy and cried bitterly in the middle of the Lisbon airport about our deeply wounded world and humanity, which is capable of producing something like this Corona scenario and keeping the pain alive. I felt like a memorial that could no longer remain silent. Oh aren’t these wonderful gifts that we highly sensitive people have, isn’t it a gift for the world, our honest feelings, our honest bodies?

Even after I had accompanied my mom to the security check – at one point I was just back and grown up and functional and efficient and there was time pressure – I sat outside at the airport for a long time, until after her plane had left, crying from the deepest depths of my heart . So much finally came out, I released it all. So much old pain. And pain about this world. Why do we have to live in such distrust of one another? My inner child didn’t understand. Why can’t I accompany my mom to the gate until she gets on her plane and help her? Say goodbye properly?

It took me a while to fully come back to reality and finally see myself being able to take a taxi to my Airbnb. In the evening I had some very good coaching for myself. As always, everything flows perfectly into one another if we only see it, always towards our healing if we only allow it. We talked about my fears of separation and loss and my desire for control. In the end I felt peace and just deep gratitude for this time together, for the love and courage of my mom, for whom the trip was an enormous step. I felt that there was something opening up to unprecedented freedom. I felt lighter. Planned the next few days of trip for my loved one and me. Jan´s coming back would chase away the remaining feelings of fear and loneliness.

Our Corona

And then. In the morning the message from Jan, who I had already assumed was on his plane. “I tested positive. I am so sorry.“ I just said “Ok.” And out of inspiration, I did a self-test. I bought it also to deal with the topic, my personal way of approaching people and the world more, to get involved in these strange games and to be able to take part. But they were super relaxed everywhere in the restaurants etc., I only got away with the bluff of showing my entry document (that I only travel within Portugal, from the Azores) for an Airbnb and a restaurant. Whenever someone pressed me as to why I didn’t get vaccinated, I would just get upset and say that I was pregnant.

So, my self-test then. Positive (a second one the next day too). At first I had no feelings at all, the best thing I could have done was laugh. Time simply stood still. Ok, that was it then. It was somehow exciting too. Jan and I had known it and even wanted it, somehow liberating. Our immune system gets the latest “update” instead of wasting away in isolation and stays in the race.

And once again it’s exciting to see how our immune system works together with the nervous system. In the previous group of the Wim Hof ​​training (they had several groups of 60 trainees each in several weeks, the methodology is now very well known and very popular) they had to stop the training because too many people tested positive; Jan’s group had incredible willpower and was able to pull it off. But as we now know, immediately afterwards half the group felt positive and/or even felt a little burnout and depressed after the intense cognitive, spiritual, physical and emotional experience.

Furthermore, what Jan experienced at the airport was simply frightening and very stressful. I had previously had a short video call with him, he was still full of positive energy, but then at the gate while boarding his test result popped up on his cell phone. Shock situation. The flight attendant ran away, another employee just shouted at Jan, first in Czech, then in English “Get out, get out!” Well, they’ve trained them really well over the last two years… *ironiceyeroll* The flight (TAP Portugal) was subsequently declared a no-show (that Jan simply didn’t show up and missed it), so far we’ve been trying in vain for a refund. Jan was completely confused at first trying to figure out what to do now. I told him to take a second test, the antigen tests show a lot of false positives. But also positive. And he also said he felt it, it was Corona.

He had to go to a Corona hotel, it was simply decided over his head. He had to pay what was asked and was put in a hotel room. He just crashed there, he looked really bad, it was tough for both of us.

He received breakfast included in the morning and had the opportunity to have something brought to him. A blessing in disguise was that one of his colleagues (from Scotland) was sick in the next room and they were able to visit each other and another colleague lives in town and owns a good steakhouse.

But my situation still looked rosier. It took me a long time to get out of my initial state of paralysis and make decisions. I was able to extend my Airbnb and didn’t report anything (I also heard afterwards that many people in Portugal decided to quarantine on their own because the system was completely overloaded anyway). I never, ever wanted to put myself in the hands of someone else who had to look after my “well-being” and my nourishment, for God’s sake! So I was in a much better position than Jan and was also stocked up on supplements: vitamin ), N-acetyl-cysteine ​​(glutathione formation, mucus solution), rhodiola, spirulina, magnesium, B vitamins , I had probiotics with me, some of which my mom had brought with her.

Once a day I went for a short walk (always bright blue skies and sunshine at 15°C) and then lay under a tree for hours (it was a very dreary residential area close to the airport, but I found my little spots).

By the way, at home I also took vitamin D, iodine (which we always have a good supply of) and zinc supplements, because in Lisbon I had the feeling that I no longer had a sense of smell, which in my theory often has to do with a zinc deficiency. Now everything is back to normal.

Our symptoms

Me: Unusual, very watery and flaky diarrhea, nose completely closed, some mucus then came down into the throat, some still slight pain in the limbs, sneezing, profound exhaustion. Deep spiritual burnout.

Jan: For him it was really in his lungs, coughing, severe exhaustion and headaches, the skin on his shoulders and back hurt badly.

And both emotionally and mentally very down. Yes, it didn’t pass me by without fear. The overall situation, plus the lots of mask-wearing, the heavy pregnant belly, the closed nose, the unfamiliar surroundings, the exposure, uncertainty and loneliness, plus all the stories that our minds then begin to invent, produced from exactly what I think The greatest fears, which now seemed to have materialized, brought up body memories from my asthmatic times and I had to deal with panic attacks of not being able to breathe. The first night was a disaster, panic, terror, claustrophobia. I constantly had to open the small, barred window of my room, lock the door, just leave the door unlocked, ear plugs and a sleeping mask were impossible, the thick blanket was too heavy, go out the front door and feel trapped between the huge house facades, accustomed to wide open Azorean skies. If I nodded away, I immediately jumped up again and checked to see if I could still breathe. I was just happy when the first night was over and I could convince myself that Jan was still alive. Some really ugly things must have come out of my early childhood or even inherited fears.

Relief came when I found out that onion water helped me a lot to clear my nose a little, or simply squeeze an onion and breathe deeply, as well as rinsing with salt water. I almost actually went to the pharmacy for nose drops and the like, but after researching the ingredients, I really didn’t want to. I got some respiratory tea and a thick bulb of ginger, as well as fresh chicken parts, and made some broth. Oh, if only I had my garden with medicinal plants!

But slowly the feeling of control and grounding came back, the walks, the sound therapy, good phone calls and texts with good wise souls and body work brought me back to myself and with every night and every day it became easier. I managed to open up more and let them out, to approach the body feelings and emotions. Finding full acceptance of the situation. To get involved, to now put everything into simply being at home in myself, in my body and my being, no matter where I am, separated from my loved ones.

Emotionally coping with where I felt like I had failed at home on my farm, that I hadn’t done enough, that I had been ungrateful in my anger at the neighbors.

In the days before we left, Jan and I were so exhausted because everything was going wrong and there was another serious situation with the neighbors that we both said it once. We want to give up everything and sell the farm. We can’t do it anymore. Will it now be taken away from me again, like my marriage and other things from my previous life? With every cry from the depths of my soul, my breathing became freer and easier again.

My thoughts went back to our last day on Graciosa before we left. Jan and I had to drive up the mountain again to the spring to get water. We were so loaded and so exhausted and had said things we didn’t want to say. Put everything into doubt. With one hand on the steering wheel, I spontaneously reached for his hand and said: “God, Father, Mother, if you sent us here to this place, if it is supposed to be for us, if you really want us here, then help us now. Please give us a sign!” I just had to give up the pain without any great expectations. But, oh my God, when we reached the top of the plateau with a wide view over Graciosa, the sky opened up, sun and rain at the same time, and an incredibly intense and huge rainbow shone in full splendor over the entire island! All I could do was stop the car, stare open-mouthed at this beautiful scene for a moment in breathless wonder and awe, and let waves of love and knowing hope flow through me. Bursting into tears of relief. “Everything will be okay, Jan, I just know it. All is well! This is our home.” Such an intense rainbow had also shone over my garden when it looked as if I would lose my farm in the course of my divorce…

I went through very intensive processes, coached myself, and in the end I was just able to find the deepest, deepest gratitude for everything I had been able to have. Whatever may come next. My life so far has simply humbled me, I know that things come and go and nothing can be taken for granted.

I connected deeply with my baby, remembering to be there for him. Jan and I also had wonderful, deep conversations and became close to each other in a completely new way. Like when he was hospitalized. So much peace. We understood how intense and crazy the last year had been for both of us, what enormous pressure we had been under as highly sensitive people. Grief, peace, connection. I don’t see it as Corona being THE big thing that brought us down. It was just a small piece of the puzzle in a big picture that I’m trying to illustrate for you here, dear reader. And as always, it was about our healing, that what we are really allowed to be in this world is revealed in us, everything else is washed away from us, detox, cleansing, purge.

Neurodermatitis spots in the crook of my arm and on my left foot, which had gotten pretty bad at the end when my adrenal glands were pretty exhausted from 2021, healed.

Nadia

Since my big online holistic health event with over 40.000 participants, I had started an intensive exchange with Coach Nadja Polzin, which resulted in a trusting friendship. The plan had actually been for me and Jan to go visit her in the south of Portugal, where she currently lives.

Now it happened that she wanted to go to Sintra for a few days, half an hour north of Lisbon and me. She was still a bit undecided (just like a dutiful Capricorn like me who finds it difficult to tear herself away from the computer) and I was also a bit shy about meeting for the first time, I still had deep wounds in my heart to heal in terms of friendships, which had broken over the course of the entire emigration/Corona/divorce story. But every time I slept on it I gained more courage and also felt how the longing mobilized new strength within me. Get out of my Corona hermitage!

Finally, Nadja picked me up, not afraid that I was still sneezing, and we spent a wonderful day and a half in the fairytale “Disneyland” with great food and deep conversations. Once again I was simply touched by how life can give me gifts when I get out of my everyday routine and take the blinders off my eyes and open myself up to the world and people. My deepest deepest gratitude, my dear, so nice to know you in my life! (By the way, Nadja didn’t get infected, neither did my mom. I still want to know where Jan and I really got our Corona from, because we already had exactly the same symptoms on Graciosa! What’s really going on neuroimmunologically).

Jan

Jan looked better every day, and then his mandatory quarantine was over (what a blessing that he only tested positive in Prague, because in Poland he would have had 2 weeks of quarantine!). Luckily I was able to postpone both of our flights for a small extra charge, because I couldn’t imagine flying back to our island alone, all I saw was a black hole and new, abysmal panic. I know that I would have managed that somehow, but it felt absolutely wrong and would have taken more away from me than necessary (in contrast to the Disneyland feeling with Nadja, actually an easy decision!). But to plan anything in such a difficult situation when you can’t plan at all! I found it incredibly stressful. How can you really fully recover when you’re fighting logistical battles all the time?

In any case, then the news from Jan that his self-test was positive! I researched and found that you can still remain positive and detect virus particles up to 120 days after infection. And that we had probably made a mistake, which no one had pointed out to us, everything was so confused (Jan also didn’t get a recovery certificate, contrary to what the test station said): His roommate had done a PCR test and that’s why he was “free” after 5 days according to the current regulations. But Jan had only done the two antigen tests. Now do another PCR test and another 5 days of Corona hotel vacation?? Physically he was doing well again so far.

In the end, someone advised him to rinse his nose vigorously with salt water and then go get tested. Result: Negative. He managed to get a (completely overpriced) seat on a flight that same evening back to Lisbon, where I was eagerly awaiting him on this new moon night.

Home

Our long flight back to Graciosa across the wide Atlantic, at 6 in the morning, was bumpy again with almost breakdowns with the connections that the travel agency had arranged for us, but we finally arrived.

It’s so quiet here. Time seems to stand still, the neighborhood is completely quiet. So much peace and quiet within ourselves.

I was somewhat ok again, but Jan fell into a bad burnout, first of all 3 days of severe headaches that almost drove him crazy, then just exhaustion down to the deepest fibers. I had my hands full trying to make it really clear to him that his body was making a big STOP and he really couldn’t play the strong man right now, even though we had a lot to deal with on the farm. The more fully he got could accept it let go, the quicker he would get through it. It was a difficult test, but unexpected powers awakened within me and I felt a completely new depth of love for and rootedness into our home.

It took Jan a week and a half (with a full supplement, nutrition, breathwork, sound therapy, yoga etc. regime, lots and lots of deep conversations, good spiritual podcasts, sitting in nature and doing nothing…) to get out of a deep, dark transformation tunnel. These extremes, the deep and heartfelt experiences with the other healers at the seminar and the direct experience of the state of our world and the depths of humanity, had opened him up extremely and sent him through a fundamental rebirth process. We both feel that a lot of things will change in our lives, that we can no longer accept a lot of things and that we have become so much more calm and grounded in other things. A lot has been initiated and set in motion in both of our environments, and I’m gradually beginning to be very curious about what this year might bring again. My mom has already booked her trip to visit us in Graciosa, she has completely overcome her fear of flying!

I am simply in awe and amazement at how each of us is sent on our tailor-made and never-ending journey of healing.

I do not feel that we have been struck with a terrible disease, but rather that we have been crowned in the truest sense of the word. I have broken through a new thick layer of false illusion. I’m no longer afraid, I’m ready for the next chapter of what’s happening in my personal world.

With my last revision of this article at the full moon, we just received an important package that solved a big fat one of our problems and restored a fundamental order in our lives, setting the course for 2022, which can now finally really start. We still have a little bit of mucous sometimes, but our energy range is noticeably expanding with each passing day and things are getting back into the flow. We are still doing a lot of reflection on our orientation towards the new year and are beginning to look forward to it with joyful anticipation but also more wisdom.

    Do not be afraid –

    every illness is a matter of fate for self-education.

    Use the time and don’t be afraid.

    Remember, efficient is

    who is aware of the limits of his abilities,

    but within these limits

    spent his strength with a royal gesture.

    But, know this,

    through self-restriction

    the boundaries strengthen and expand.

    Otherwise they will break

    and weakness invades

    and consumes the life force.

    Use the time and don’t be afraid.

    ~Rudolf Steiner