David is gone, I am on my own again. When I walk through the city of Angra now, everything seems much darker. The Covid rules are much stricter suddenly, many of the beautiful places we have visited together, the music bar, the art gallery, the theater, are silent, closed. Like the universe had just opened up a tiny window for me to taste normal life again, refill some soulenergy.
I still try to keep making nice things for myself to keep my spirit up. I learn a lot of new things about myself, about self care, from which I will benefit in my future life. I know that this is also good for Jan and he enjoys my stories. I now started to bring things daily to the hospital, foods, little gifts, letters,… The nurses bring it up to his room. I start to feel that our story and our behavior is different than from the average clients, and it is starting to touch them. I am full of anger and pain, but I also have empathy for these servants of an inhumane system and they are giving their best.
I am an artist, I remember. If I cannot get Jan out, if they don´t let us go home, then at least we want to make a statement. If they want Jan to permanently move into this place, fine. I summon all the energy I have. Deep down I am a fighter. I can do nothing for Jan to make that he gets the second surgery that he needs. On the same hand we start to wonder if he could be without this immense and heavy intervention when he has to lie still for weeks anyway. He is feeling so much better. He is completely managing without any pain killers, only uses breathwork. I have already tried to get a phone contact to his surgeon, at least I could speak with the leading nurse of his facility, just to be put off again.
I have to raise the energy up again. Get some feeling of agency. First I feel the urge to ask Arthur for a better room. It in fact makes a world of a difference for my mental state. Then I go shopping. A beautiful plant, a sweet poster and tape. A super nice merchant on the market plants some aromatic herbs in one pot for me. On a hike with David I had collected some decorative natural objects.
I´m very excited about my next move and bring all the things to the hospital, so the nurses can bring it to Jan. Then I call him on the phone and we find out which window is his from the view he has. At least he has some ocean view, where in the world do you find that but in the Azores! But it´s high up, third floor. He cannot even open the window. My poor jungle man, trapped in a sterile white box! Forced to be tested for a virus every other day. Maybe they find something exciting if they just keep testing persistently (I have performed PCR tests in the laboratory myself as a biologist). Mistakes can happen in all man made procedures)…
Jan manages to come to the window and makes some wild moves for me so I can see him. I call „I love you“! as loud as I can. It´s somehow bizarre, funny and exciting. What the heck, how can we still take all this theater seriously! Jan gets his „delivery“, this is always a highlight for him and he directly starts to eat the fresh fruits.
In the evening he lets me watch over the video how he hangs up the poster. We are laughing and looking forward to the reactions of the nurses tomorrow. Jan also tells me how he was really running around on the hallway with the crutches today and how he upset the nurses when they saw him from behind because he is not wearing underwear underneath his fancy hospital gown, just like Donald Duck. *g*
Jan hanging up the poster My work is done, muhaha… 😀 <3
I´m entering the kitchen to cook me some dinner. I see a pot simmering already on the stove. Someone is already making food… I have a feeling… I have absolutely no resistance this time. I just have a knowing and an inner, smiling acceptance, that I will meet my next „spirit guide“ on this „vision quest“ I´m in here. Perfectly matched up for what I need right now.
She enters the room.
Her name is Alexandrina. She is in her forties and already has adult children. She just spontaneously decided to make a trip without her husband, which is a new and exciting move for her. Interesting the mirrors the universe sends us… Alexandrina is just a super nice, no bullshit, real, funny, open, a bit chaotic and clumsy person. She speaks absolutely no English, but somehow we manage with my limited Portuguese and hands and feet. She really wants to connect with me. We share from our foods and I laugh about the way she cooks, because it so resembles my own cooking when I just make food for myself: Throwing everything in one pot, quick, simple but nourishing.
So this is how my next „giftbox“ looks to help me through this challenging time and make it worthwhile: She has rented a car for a few days and invites me for tours all over the island! I invite her back for lunches.
We just have a lovely time together, exploring Terceira, but I still have to struggle a lot to keep open and in contact, to keep my eyes and hands open and my heart grateful to receive the love and gifts and adventures. The pain is all the time in the background, nagging me, the shocking scenes not leaving my inner screen.
Alexandrina & me in the loja of BioAzorica in Praia da Vitoria having organic tea and cake Exploring Terceira, steam wents Nature is always the best healer! Hold on Jan! Lapas, limpets for lunch Angra at sunset Wonderful evening Trying snails for the first time!
An absolute highlight is a dinner with the young couple that is also living in the guesthouse and another friend, and later hanging out for a drink together. I feel like back in my very dear time at the university and something melts in my heart again. Yes, it is no wonder why we have limits for love when we carry old grief with us we are not even aware of. Life sends us the situations that allow for softening, healing and moving on, if we open up to the roller coaster of feelings and keep going and experiencing. Looking back now I can really see how these events put such an enormous goodness into motion for me. When I invited cut off parts of myself back in, became whole again. Yes, I remember. This is what I need. This is me. God never ever punishes us. He loves us so much and everything that happens is happening for our soul to evolve, to remember, to mature. To bring us closer to ourselves and into our power so that we can share the light and the love with others.
Alexandrina and Goreti also bring me to some funny party in the evening which develops into a crazy, way too loud dancing karaoke night. Alexandrina has to vomit once but keeps dancing after and somehow always manages to distract obtrusive men from me in a very elegant way.
Finally, I get the message that I can see Jan again, after 12 days! Giulio also shows us in a shocking video call from our Quinta that our tomcat Jacky has fallen very sick. He is just lying on the bed, not moving, breathing shallow. He finally has to stay in the veterinarian clinic and nobody can find out what is wrong. Jan, my father, and now my Jacky struck down and in the clinic with no perspective… I don´t have to say more. I´m still so grateful for Alexandrina who was immensely patient with me that day when I was almost dying of nervousness because I was scared that when I would go to the hospital, longing to see Jan finally again, that something could have changed AGAIN and they send me home, like it had happened a few days ago.
In the weeks here with all this stress I got a relapse of my autoimmune disease, my digestion is not good and I got a breakout of eczema in my inner elbows, on my lips and my left foot. Topic of contact and separation and also the root chakra… And just too much to digest psychologically. My Asperger´s side is strongly showing up again, which on the same hand somehow helps me finding creative and out-of-the-box ideas (if I get enough rest in between).
Jan never gives up. So proud of you! Breakout of autoimmune atopic dermatitis / MCAS / Crohn´s disease / GAPS-& trauma induced Asperger´s syndrome
At least, I can see Jan again, he is in really good shape and using the time very well to exercise and study in the internet about gardening and also making new friends, very well accepting the situation but on the same hand also fighting with frustration and keen on getting out and going home. He tells me to my surprise that the nurses love the poster he has hung up and all my decoration. They don´t really know how to take us, I don´t think they have ever experienced anything like us before. Still no news about when the final surgery is gonna happen.